Let me start by saying I’m a fan. They really are two of the best method performers of your canine generation. Your obligation to play Ground Is Lava? Divine. Your work in “dance mode”? Awe-inspiring. Your facial expressions of heavy objects in “Featherwand”? Could bring Daniel Day-Lewis to tears.
But please. I beg you For the love of everything good in this world (including the last few scraps of my sanity), please stop.
You see, my kids used to think I was a half decent parent. Sure, I could spend too much time on the internet. And I routinely recycle their crafts when they’re not looking. But I was fine until you both came along with your lovely Australian accents and seemingly endless supplies of free time and patience.
Now I’m expected to dance on command – in public – whenever my child yells, “DANCE MODE!” You know the shame of going to Party in the United States of America‘ in a Kroger’s maxi-pad aisle? Of course not. You lick your furry nether regions when the camera isn’t rolling. You don’t know shame.
As if the dancing wasn’t enough when my kids scream, “DIFFICULT!” I’m supposed to pantomime that what I’m holding is unbearably heavy. It’s pretty good with a pen. It’s manageable even with a cup of hot coffee. Holding your best friend’s newborn? Well, you can only imagine the choices I had to make.
Because, Mum and Dad (do you prefer Bandit and Chilli? We’re all adults here), they didn’t make opting out an option. You’re never too busy to play. Never say no to an increasingly ridiculous game. Animated in their seven-minute outbursts Masterful theatreyou are almost always patient, very present parents.
This works well when your kids are being scripted into reasonably sane creatures. If you’ve lived with a drunk toddler for nearly three pandemic years (roughly 2.7 billion cartoon dog years), give me a call.
If I say no, then I’m a monster – thanks to you. Does everyone in your country have the energy of a Tasmanian Devil who has just eaten a whole pod of Tim Tams? I saw The Wiggles in concert. You guys are like human energy drinks.
So I ask you on behalf of a beleaguered nation of weary parents. Stop.
Why not take a page from Daniel Tiger’s parenting book? Sure, they’re basically perfect parents too (and it must take a lot of time to rehearse all those songs), but they play little more than a simple block game with Daniel. Do you think Daniel’s dad comes home from a long day at the watch shop and is ready to let Daniel boss him around with a magical xylophone? No way. This parent sentence limits. Sure, your kids are a little more interesting than Daniel, but at least the Tigers can put their paws up every once in a while.
So on behalf of all weary parents: just stop. Or, to put it in words you’ll understand, today’s episode of Bluish is called “Bugger Off”.